The Great Depression

Spent an hour or two tidying up the pile of reading materials on my desk, sorting and filing them. The room was a WWIII battlefield. So I got the ssessment done. I have 300+ pages of evidence, one full box file of intellectual property, a few hundred pages of legal theory and half a box file of company to read AND UNDERSTAND before the final exam. I have 18 days left.

Graduating in June strictly speaking, though I still have one more year of postgraduate studies to go. Haven't secured an intern for the summer yet. So, I'll be out-of-school and jobless from june to september. Faced with this and the amount of reading at hand, oh and exacerbated by hormones, you really can't get any more depressed. Studying here and job hunting are two lethal weapons against self-esteem and confidence. No matter how good you may be on a general scale, you will only feel like shit here when everyone else is just as good as you are if not better. And job hunting, normal persons would think our GPA very low but how do you explain to your potential employers that with that GPA, you're actually already in second upper class ranking, and that with the grading system in our school it's doubtful even whether the most brilliant student in our year who has already rejected the top firms can graduate with a first hon.?

I was distracted by my frustration at school. Actually what has prompted me to start writing this entry, in light of the recent discovery that I have that much to read for my exam, was a typical scenario of my family dinner at home. Typical as it is, it never fails to annoy and disappoint.

My relationship with my parents is not bad, we just don't communicate. We don't usually talk about our daily activities. We don't discuss about things called "feelings". I gave up telling them things when I was young. If I do sometimes start talking about myself accidentally they'll start asking questions of an entirely different topic within 5 seconds without noticing any attempted sharing on my part. I'm cool, i've accepted this long ago. It just gets on my nerves when they start complaining to friends and relatives - the outside world at large, that I keep things from them. Anyway, the typical scenario is that my parents start talking about politics, economics, culture, debating and commenting, telling their views and believes as biblical truths throughout the dinner irespective of zero response from me and my sis or any other guests present. (Buon appetito!) I would gladly welcome the intellectual inspiration that flows from such disucssions but what you will get is a bunch of moral or cynical assertions that claim to support each other. It could be very mentally "stimulating" if you notice the lack of coherence or logic among them.

I understand my parents' good intentions of teaching(lecturing and indoctrinating) us values they hold true and just but I can't help finding their way of (lack of logical) reasoning and presentation annoying.

I won't feel comfortable talking to my family about my life and my future anyway, but I think it's sad that this has become our way of interacting with family members. We live together and yet we seem to far away. I wonder if they would regret not sharing more now, or may be I will, if I have to leave home for one of my own someday.

I am thankful for my friends who are older than me, for their support and guidance.

Alone, and lonely.