Resale Value

Last time I had this feeling towards a person was February 2005, with KW. He has lived in Shanghai for almost a year now. The frequency of our conversation decreased from daily to virtually zero nowadays. I used to check his diary hoping that I can endure the news that he has found himself a gf. I checked out his diary a few days ago. He has what he terms as a stable date now and I didn't feel much about it. I guess this is good. And I'm glad that he's (or seems to be) having a good time.

Bernard. I don't think there's any problem with disclosing his name here, as almost everyone who's reading this page has known about what happened, and if not, I trust that the information is in safe hands/minds. I want to call him by his name. He is a friend.

I couldn't help calling him a bastard earlier. But the truth is, I don't really hate him. I still maintain that he's a nice person (normally), just that the way he is handling this matter is extremely disappointing. What can I say? Cynical as it may sound, Bernard is a guy/man. That night he said he was afraid that i would think less of him because of what he's done. Honestly, now that I think about it again, I'd say, yes, i would. But the fact remains, Bernard, you are born with a Y gene, what can I say? I have myself to blame for letting it happen.

I thought I had got over him. When i do have sufficient sleep, I'd say, yes I have 90% got over him. But the thing is, most the time I'm in serious lack of sleep, so i'd say, 50% over the whole thing? Sigh. It's interesting why I feel this deeply about him even though our "history" lasted for no more than a few hours. It's an interesting feeling, it's RARE and I guess it's addictive.

I was angry with him because he kept silent after what had happened. I was even more angry when I recalled what he said that night and how misleading (to me) they had been. Anyway, what has become MOST UPSETTING for me is that he has been avoiding me. Everyday i try real hard to suppress my emotion and be ok, but the effort all goes to waste after tutorial when i see him and he avoids me. And I have to adjust my emotions again in preparation for another emotional blow the next tutorial. I don't want to lose a friend this way. Will things go back to normal after this "embarrassing" period has passed? I honestly don't know. I'm not optimistic. First of all, how long is this period going to last? It may last forever. Secondly, by the time the period does come to an end, will he still be interested to be friends with me or has he got used to being invisible to me? Or may be school would have long finished and we don't even get to see each other. Why are these things happening???????

May be I'll try to talk to him again some time later. I don't want to lose a friend this passively.

OK I almost forgot about the title "resale value". That's the term used when a friend tried to analyse the situation with me. Who doesn't like people with high resale value? These are the most attractive people, but they are also the ones who can afford to be an asshole/bitch and to be irresponsible. Not to say that they do so deliberately, very often i trust that these are acts of couldn't-care-less recklessness or gross negligence as opposed to intentional acts, but whatever the cause of such behaviour, people with high resale value (and who know about this quality of theirs) are well-equipped to sustain/incur/recover from emotional injuries. [ok i know i'm generalising. I admit that this is not necessarily the case but the theory can apply to explain behaviours of high resale value ppl] Anyway, I know he has high resale value but I'm not about to apply this theory to him in haste. Well, i don't think it's material now. I just want to say that, resale value has no part to play in my confusion these days. I don't care if he has resale value (although of course i wouldn't mind that) and it won't make me feel any better to know how much resale value myself may have, because I can be the most wanted woman in the century, but the rare and addictive feeling attached to particular persons are just special and unique, and it takes a special someone to make up for what is lost.

Be strong, stay beautiful inside and out, grow and glow.