Confession.

I am starting work the day after tomorrow and I can't help feeling like The Day After Tomorrow. I should be excited and energized for my new life but I am NOT.

I have never felt so bad in rejecting a person. I cannot discern if it is guilt or something else. Here's what I do know:

1. I feel guilty in rejecting him and hurting him.
2. I feel guilty in rejecting him without a very clear explanation.
3. I feel guilty in disappointing 2 families.
4. I feel guilty in having kept 3 families in suspense.
5. I feel guilty in not giving him a "never" answer so that he may linger on (althought it's his choice if he wishes to do so and no one can change that...)
6. I feel that I don't like him enough to go into a relationship at the moment.
7. I feel guilty for not revealing (and I really can't) one reason of rejection to him.
8. I do like his being nice to me.
9. I do like him a lot as a friend.
10. I do think that we could have gone out, had he come from a different family.
11. I don't know if i'm scared of relationship or if it's just the person...
12. I do feel silly for taking this risk for a person with so much uncertainty and sacrificing such a good natured and true and honest candidate.
13. I feel absolutely silly for being affected by so many other people but I surrender to this practical reality that this situation involves not just 2 persons.
14. Now that I think about it, probably M is the backup, not A. Or A is just backup in relation to one other person.

I feel BAAAAAAAD but if I am to be nice to him, I shouldn't let him know how bad I'm feeling. I just never knew it could disturb me so much to reject someone....I did it once and I felt very bad...but at least back then I knew it was the right thing to do. This time I'm a bit clueless.