Patology

Yes, it's still the same issue. Pathetic.

No...strictly speaking this cannot be an issue, because it's past and there can be no solution and to put it short it has no relevance to my present or future.

Still, I guess a review, reflection and critique would be benifitial for my future.

Until last nite when I talked to Polly cos' I couldn't sleep, I never realised that the reason why I found it so comfortable being with him, the reason why I was willing to put down my guard that abnormally fast, the reason why I willingly repressed my hostility and sarcasm, the reason why I even allowed myself to attempt commitment and to ask for it, is that notwithstanding that he may be adorably childish sometimes he is far from being merely a boy.

I'm not looking for whoever who has a Y gene and who happens to hit on me. A personality with integrity and good nature is the prerequisite of friendship. No physical attraction can override this. If physical attraction was the thing I was after, which i thought I was, I would have given it only 2 days. Most important of all, I felt I was being respected. Respect, to me, is of utmost importance. I absolutely resent paternalistic or patriarchal disapproval of my behaviiour or thinking, thoughts or opinions that is without any reasonable or empirical basis apart from that I'm a girl and I'm younger. Anyway, for the purpose of review, I found that, shockingly, men with integrity towards work and friendship as well as relationships, whom in addition have brains capable of being guided separately from their penises, again shockingly, have not become extinct.

I've been trying hard to lower my standards. I was trying to experiment but he further raised my standards instead. Theoretically this is good for finding meaning in a relationship that hopefully would come to me later. But theory is always ideal and conflicts with reality.

I seriously need to start making plans for getting out of here. Too many desperate and easy girls here. How do you expect boys (as opposed to men) to improve themselves when there's no competition in the darwinian sense?

Positioning

I'm glad he called.

I'm a little disappointed in myself because I shouldn't make my friends happy and if not, at least I should make them worry or miserable. He probably isn't worrying or feeling miserable but then I could have been more cheerful i guess. I know I'm not a happy person generally, though it's not difficult for me to get high. I guess, the reason why I tend to be exceptionally quiet when we're together, is because of my confusion with positioning. I had this problem from day one we met. The first two days, I was still deciding on whether I wanted to be just friends. The third day I realised that I'd prefer attraction but then we knew well we would part in two day's time. Actually this thing went out of my contemplation, I thought it would just be a simple casual date. It's hard for me to find someone with whom I feel this comfortable, having known that he was into me~ Right this sounds funny~ Whenever I know someone likes me I have a strange feeling from the stomach like i want to throw up. Yes trust me it is from the stomach. And i have this feeling of nausea no matter whether I like this person. He was no exception. And much as I liked him, i never had a "heart beat".....so, yea, like I said, too comfortable. Probably due to family background~~~ No ideeeeeaaaaaa~~


I think my positioning exercise is over simplistic. It's an 'either yes or no" way of positioning and apparently it doesn't work. Now i'm in the middle of the two ends. I really shouldn't think too much. I'm trying to adopt this "act first think later" attitude. Definitely need to try harder.


Well, I really can't be this quiet else I'll bore my friends to death....if they don't know me well. I always think that it's only being polite to try to start conversations....it's just that I have very bad skills in so doing.....Right hope I meet someone with whom I feel as comfortable asap hahaha~~

Self-deception vs. Hope

They say, you must have hope. Hope that hard times will pass, not necessarily that good times will come, but, hard times, will pass. Again I was talking to myself as I walked in the streets, as I sit on the bus. I was trying to convince myself to have hope. But with what can I make myself convincing?

Hope is a belief as to the future. If such belief is founded on data, physical empirical or observable phenomenon, we probably would call it a guess or a speculation. As such, it seems that hope is founded on one's sheer willingness to believe, to the extent, if you try hard enough to convince yourself to hope, knowing or without reasonable cause to believe, it may amount to self-deception.

Meals are not only for biological needs.

I said I had sore throat. But i actually didn't feel uncomfortable speaking.

Sis asked mum if she wanted to read a magazine she bought. First comment again on price. Not only was it the first comment, it was also the last.

Sis went to the washroom, only me and mum left, sitting side by side. We didn't utter a word. The silence was too loud.

Dad came late, as usual. He was doing hair treatment. First comment on the restaurant in economical terms, then did a comparison of the prices between JC and other restaurant. Then started updating himself of sis' study progress. Parents went on discussions. Then mum started to talk about the ban on smoking.

Meals have a strong social element in it in that you share it with other people. A meal is not equal to mastication and swallowing and satisfying hunger. If you take this to be the meaning of a meal and nothing more why bother to have dinner together? For economies of scale in cooking???

There could have been so many other topics to talk about, topics through which you can get to know better about the state of mind of the people beside you. Say, "why did you choose this restaurant?" The answer would be: "i found this place yesterday when i was shopping with Auntie Jojo in the mall above. Food is nice and the place is beautiful~" So you would know what mum did and with whom she did what yesterday, and you get to know with what sort of places and environments she feels comfortable. Or let's say, "what do you like about that magazine?" Then you get to know a lot about what your kids are interested in and you know their views on certain issues.

Discussion, exchanges and sharing form a big part of a family dinner but man, I really couldn't find anything to say. It happens all the time. Just that you don't notice it at home when the TV is on and generating enough noise to fill the silence.